The Wisdom Of Resistance:
Why Not Keeping New Years Resolutions Can Be Good For You

What’s going wrong? Why do we set ourselves ambitious goals but fail to achieve them?

We all tend to identify rigid goals and then get frustrated or angry when we don’t achieve them or our success is limited. What that says to me is not that we are lazy or bad; instead, it’s that our goals are wrong.

When organisations ask me to coach staff members, I often find there are personal issues going on that seem at odds with the goals set by their employer. A client will tell me, “I’m not here to talk about personal stuff; I’m here to focus on work issues”. Yet when I ask if their work performance would improve if we resolve those personal issues, the answer is invariably “Yes”.

Let’s imagine you have a problem with time-management and your goal is to be on time, every time. The obvious thing would be to identify ten things you should do to manage your time better. (Google it: the web is full of lists like this). Even if you’re really motivated, you’ll likely fail to make lasting changes if you haven’t discovered what’s causing the problem in the first place.

In coaching, it’s very common to find that the ‘presenting issue’, i.e. poor time-management, is not the real issue. The opportunity for a positive outcome lies in understanding what sits underneath the presenting issue.

I worked with a client who struggled with time-management: things would improve for a week or so, but he couldn’t be consistent. Through our sessions, he was surprised to realise that he identified good time-management as a characteristic of dull people. Probing deeper, he discovered that he worried that people would only like him if he was fun, exciting, and edgy. Addressing the issue at this profound level ultimately relaxed his belief and enabled him to be more effective and consistent in achieving his goal.

Recognising our true goals is a gift. Many years ago, a client of mine felt she’d wasted a year training in a form of therapy that she eventually discovered was not aligned with her personal philosophy. She came to coaching with me as I’m a Gestalt psychotherapist and an advocate of person-centred counselling. Both methods are linked to a humanistic philosophy that she strongly identified with. Through our discussion, I supported her in shifting from her negative view (“I’ve failed, and wasted time & money”) to recognising that the year’s investment had been worthwhile because it allowed her to understand her true path.

Returning to those New Year resolutions, be wary of fixing too many rigid goals for yourself. If you do set these and fail, don’t beat yourself up. Stop thinking that failing to reach the goal is negative; instead, see it as positive data that allows you to investigate and identify your real goals and what underpins your desire or need to achieve them.

There is wisdom in resistance; trusting your personal process and reluctance to achieve the goal might lead you to identify a richer outcome for yourself.